Counting blessings, it's something I do to keep myself away from the black cloud of chronic major clinical depression, something I suffer with. Some days it is VERY hard to do.
Today would be a hard day. My job, my dream job, my path out of years of living disabled and innactive, back toward self confidence and normalcy, pride in myself, I lost it today. The woman who had hired me knowing I was disabled, knowing what it was, how it worked, and how I managed it, decided she wasn't comfortable working with it even though she had hired me after weeks of thinking about it, even though I was by her own definition overqualified for the position. I'm a dog person, I know dogs, I can work with them, I have for more than a decade, I am more at ease and happy working in a kennel full of half crazed dogs than I am in most other places. I can stop two 150lb+ malamutes, break up the worst fights sleddogs can dish out, I've even done that wearing a leg brace up to my hip using a walker to help me, I have ended 7-10 dog gang kills just by walking into the pen without saying a word or lifting a finger, through the sheer force of my pressence. Working with dogs more often than not has less to do with strength and more to do with how you carry yourself, I know truly great dog trainers who are in wheel chairs and have to be on oxygen 24/7/365, with dogs, unlike with most of the world, our ability is less about physical, and more about spirit.
Explaining that to someone who hasn't worked with dogs? Aparently, in this case, not possible. How can someone who loves dogs, who is capable of that kind of love, so easily cast aside another human being like they are trash because they are different? Why is discrimination, deep, hurtful, unbending and unflexible, so easy for an otherwise nice person to step into? This woman isn't an evil person, or I dont think she is, yet what she did to me was terrible. She threw me out like garbage because I was disabled and she wasn't comfortable with that. The dogs she claims to love certainly don't take a second look at me, they listen to me, they work with me, they do what I ask of them becuase my spirit is strong even if my body isn't. My counting though has to happen or this, yet another crushing blow in a long series of them, will destroy me, and I will not be destroyed.
I am great with dogs, I can stop two dogs from fighting without saying a word or lifting a finger, if that fails, I can stop a fight through redirection and breaking focus in the fighters, I know dozens of effective ways to do this without straining myself, physical force with a dog is rarely, if ever, needed, they are creatures of subtelty, perceptive beyond our understanding, and I know how to use that. My experiences, though some are horrible and heart breaking, have made me exceptionally wise, the horrible things others have done to me have bred in me a desire never to make others feel what I have, to be careful about others, to cherish them even if they have wronged me (though I may cherish them from a distance and without them knowing it for shere self preservation). I may have been "terminated" but that isn't terminal, if nothing else I have seen myself get hired into a good job, it may happen again, I can't give up. I believe God has a reason for everything, and while I certainly don't see it and may not like the directions I have to go to get where he is guiding me, I sure won't waver from following him. There's a reason this didn't work out, I cry tears, I have a nasty sinus headache from blubbering, I ate too much consoling myself and now feel sick, but I don't doubt for a moment that Gods got something else planned, apparently this was a mistep and I needed the board to the face.
I have a wonderful family, who instead of any I warned you not to mention you were disabled, I said you should try and hide it, is instead incensed over the cold way I was thrown aside and are rallying around me and offering me comfort, I thank God for that, I am far too good at trashing myself all on my own with no outside help, but the comfort and support sure as hell makes it easier to ride out my self-incriminations.
Two gorgeous adoring dogs sleep at my feet, both are damp with tears that they tried to kiss away, both have wagged their tails and insisted that I hold and pet them when I cried very hard, and holding and petting them and getting kisses and showers of all the love they could offer has reaffirmed, my dogs are completely necessary in every way and I will never live without a dog and thank you God for bringing both of these fuzzy angels to me.
I will survive, I am a survivor, I am stronger than the sum of my problems and greater than the worst of my fears. I am loved, I have friends, I am worth so much more than this one person treated me like.
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